Mommy Blogger Christy K. – What Ifs

This morning, similar to many Sunday mornings, I had a strong desire to stay hidden under my covers until noon.  Not that this would EVERY actually happen, but a girl can dream, right?  At 7am, I begrudgingly threw off the covers and headed into the kitchen for a cup of coffee.

After downing my first cup, I was off to the shower.  Ahhh, the shower… my sanctuary, quiet from “hey mom!” and “he looked at me!” if only for a few peaceful moments.  Some of my best thinking occurs in the shower… the good, and the bad.  My latest “shower sessions” have consisted of me ruminating about the same subjects:  “Where will I be living in 4 months?  What if I don’t get an internship?  What if I don’t pass my Praxis Exam/Comps?  What if… what if… what if…”  Sometimes, the “what ifs” in life become so overwhelming that they can hijack your thoughts.  This morning was no different, and as I wrapped the towel around my wet head I felt frustrated and disheartened.  Still, I threw on some make-up, got dressed, and headed out the door for church with my family.

Have you ever had those days when you were struggling with something, and you didn’t want to do anything but crawl into a hole and make the world go away, just for a little bit?  Although today was one of those days, once I got to my church, I was so glad to be there.  As I sat listening to my pastor this morning, I had one of those “this message was meant for me” moments.  Today, the message was about contentment, and our lack of satisfaction.  We always think, “If I could just get that promotion,” “If I could just get that house,” “If I could just get that internship…. THEN, I would be content.”  My “what ifs” began to change to “then what?”  No matter how many things I collect, goals that I meet, desires that I fulfill… when is enough finally enough?  Even if my “what ifs” are all fulfilled, and my current needs and desires are satisfied… tomorrow, there will be more.

I had a moment of peace this morning, but rather than during my shower, it came while I was sitting in the pew.  The realization that contentment does not come from adding one more thing to my life, but from subtracting my own desires to fall in line with my present circumstances set my mind at ease… at least for today.  On this Sunday, I put away my homework, tucked away my “what ifs,” and settled into my favorite spot on the couch next to the ones I love.  The “what ifs” can have tomorrow.