Tom Cruise Didn’t Abandon Suri and He’ll Sue Anyone Who Says Otherwise

Hurt by accusations from both Life & Style and In Touch magazines, Tom Cruise is suing for $50 million against claims that he abandoned his daughter Suri after divorcing Katie Holmes.

Possibly because he's under the misconception that those rags report actual news.

The lawsuit specifically targets the July 30th Life & Style cover -- which claimed “Suri in Tears, Abandoned by Her Dad” -- and the October 1st In Touch, whose headline screamed “Abandoned by Daddy” and featured a photo of a crying Suri.

Misleading tactics to sell a magazine?! What's next? Skies being blue? Cigarettes causing cancer? Kris Jenner whoring out her kids?

Cruise need not worry though. Suri can't read yet so she won't get the wrong idea about her dear old unhinged dad. Especially not with a lawsuit that includes “punitive damages for defamation and invasion of privacy.” (It's cute that celebrities think they have privacy.)

The issue of In Touch claims that Tom may have chosen Scientology over Suri, with which the actor takes umbrage because he "loves his daughter dearly and would never abandon her." Except maybe if she had suspicious thetan levels.

The truth of the matter is that if you're a Catholic, you have to deal with molestation rumors. If you're a Scientologist, you're judged for worshipping Lord Xenu. That's just the way the world works.

Cruise's lawyer, Bert Fields, who refers to the magazines as “serial defamers,” said any money gained from the suits will go to charity and added, “Tom doesn't go around suing people. He's not a litigious guy. But when these sleaze peddlers try to make money with disgusting lies about his relationship with his child, you bet he's going to sue.”

He tries to drive his point home by explaining that despite the very American content, the magazines have headquarters in Hamburg, Germany and are thus trying to “take money from unsuspecting Americans by selling their malicious garbage. Having to pay a libel judgment may slow them down.”

So in the long run, suing these magazines is for the good of the American people and the continuation of the American way.

Thanks Tom Cruise, you're the bestest! YAY 'MERICA!