Texas DPS Roasts Karen the Porch Pirate on Social Media

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Southlake Texas is a pretty affluent -- nay, boujie -- suburb to the west of the Dallas/ Ft. Worth metroplex. While it may be no surprise that some folks there will experience package theft, the culprit in one particular crime may surprise you.

In a recent Facebook post, Southlake DPS absolutely roasted a rather poshly-dressed, 30-40ish (by my guesstimation) blonde woman in heels. Let's call her "Karen," although I wish there was a name that fit her particular combination of physical attributes with her bad behavior.

"Karen" stole a package that turns out was a refrigerator filter, not a designer handbag, not an expensive face cream, not even a decent tumbler for her lattes. This all reminds me of the time I was a victim of a porch pirate. They got about 10 lightbulbs and some shipping labels. (I lived in a significantly less appealing neighborhood than "Karen.")

Southlake DPS proceeded to roast her, while making some rather deft cultural references if I do say so myself:

Our thief looks to be nicely dressed—waaaaay too nice for some mid-morning thieving. She’s about 5’8” and is in heels. She had on a black tank top, a white plaid pencil skirt, wore prescription glasses, and had blonde hair. She’s got nice nails and a gold watch and necklace too, and dare we say it, looks a little bougie, just like those fish from this morning’s post. Like she probably has a “Dance Like No One’s Watching” painted block of wood in her kitchen. You know what we mean. So our bad girl just parked her small white SUV at the curb and sashayed, chanteyed up to the house that was not hers, and ALLEGEDLY grabbed the package with the water filter in it. Then she scuttled back and fled

Homegirl needs to sah-shay away to her vacation home until the heat blows off.

https://www.facebook.com/SouthlakePublicSafety/posts/5687257738012835

I'm left to wonder: why did she steal it? Is it a petty revenge for a perceived slight at the country club? Does she have a secret designer drug addiction? Was she so s**t-housed on Chardonnay and hot yoga that she thought she was at her own home? Most importantly, did she forget that security cameras are fairly inexpensive and tend to be abundant in upper class neighborhoods?

Whatever her reasoning, my guess is she'll be caught with all the attention this post is getting, and will have a rather humiliating time trying to explain herself.