11 Fake Pop Songs We Totally Wish Were Real
Even if you haven’t joined the lovely community of Schitt’s Creek fans (seriously, what are you waiting for?!), chances are your friends have already played you “A Little Bit Alexis," the ridiculously catchy, Britney Spears-esque anthem for any billionaire-socialite-in-the-making. Basically, it's an over-the-top guilty pleasure bop.
But Alexis Rose’s fake pop career got us craving more make-believe pop hits that could easily sneak their way to the Billboard Hot 100. (Spoiler alert: Some actually have!)
From the ridiculous '80s synth-pop of “Let’s Go to the Mall” (from How I Met Your Mother) to the Euro-tinged dance-pop of “I Want Your Cray Cray" (from Jessica Jones), these faux bops deserved a spot on real charts.
“A Little Bit Alexis,” Alexis Rose (Schitt’s Creek)
The latest season of the Canadian hit show was centered on the production of “Cabaret” and wrapped with a stellar performance headlined by the show’s sarcastic queen, Stevie (Emily Hampshire). Annie Murphy’s reformed party girl, Alexis Rose, didn’t get the lead part, but her audition was still one of the season’s highlights. She performed the title track off her “critically reviewed limited reality series A Little Bit Alexis.” The song, which follows the footsteps of Britney Spears’ proletariat-endorsing banger “Work Bitch,” was actually released on iTunes and made us long for more, much more of Alexis.
“Hide your diamonds, hide your exes,” is something we can all relate to, isn’t it? Hopefully once Schitt’s Creek wraps its triumphant run next year, we can get this Alexis-centered mockumentary-style spin-off — or at least a music video filmed on a “huge, huge yacht.”
“Teen Horniness Is Not A Crime,” Krysta Now (Southland Tales)
When the musical episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer was aired, the stakes were higher than ever for its brilliant cast. The show’s lead, Sarah Michelle Gellar, fought through various singing numbers like a true Chosen One, helping to turn “Once More With Feeling” into a pop culture staple (watch out for the soundtrack’s vinyl release in a few months).
However not many people know that in 2006 Gellar had to stand in front of the microphone one more time, belting a sassy pop number called “Teen Horniness Is Not a Crime” as a pornstar-turned-entrepreneur named Krysta Now in critically panned Southland Tales. Maybe the reason the movie failed is because the song’s lyrics contradict some of the themes explored in Buffy: the cult show did teach us that horny teens actually do commit serious crimes sometimes.
“Why Did You Do That?,” Ally Maine (A Star is Born)
Depending on where you stand regarding Lady Gaga’s musical evolution, this faux banger off A Star Is Born can be viewed as either a return to form (a.k.a. her 2008-2010 sexed up electro-pop days) or as an elaborate self-parody. Whatever the case, the song is a potential hit that unfortunately got stuck in the shallow (get it?). Still, “Why'd you come around me with an ass like that?” is a philosophical question worthy of a thesis or two.
“So Good,” Bratz Rock Angelz
A delicious slice of mid-2000s pop rock, “So Good” comes from a full-length music album recorded by the Bratz Rock Angelz that served as a soundtrack for both the eponymous movie and a video game. The song was actually so good that it managed to chart in Australia and the U.K., while the album sold over 500,000 copies. But then again, it’s a no-brainer when you take into consideration the fact that the whole project came from the capable team of writers and producers responsible for hits by Kelly Clarkson, Jessica Simpson and the Backstreet Boys.
“Set It All Free,” Ash (Sing)
Black Widow still hasn’t gotten her own movie, but at least Scarlett Johansson has several music projects to her name — although the majority of those fall under “cool folk” category. But that’s not to say ScarJo doesn’t know how to deliver a surefire pop anthem. Look no further than her stomping solo moment “Set It All Free” off 2016’s Sing soundtrack, in which the actress voices a pretty rebellious, early Kelly Clarkson-esque porcupine.
“Ring Around The Rosie,” Jackie Q (Get Him to the Greek)
A seasoned queen of modern comedy, Rose Byrne usually portrays an everyday woman who is battling the chaos around her. However, 2009’s Get Him to Greek provided a rare opportunity for the Australian actress. That Forgetting Sarah Marshall spin-off saw Byrne singing a ridiculously catchy ode to anal sex as an over-the-top pop star named Jackie Q. Here’s hoping more real-life popstars will use subtle metaphors such as “One, two, three, four, it's just like coming in the back door”.
“I Want Your Cray Cray,” Trish (Jessica Jones)
A flashback to Trish Walker’s (Rachael Taylor) brief pop past sticks out like a sore yet well-manicured thumb in overall serious Netflix series Jessica Jones, with some people calling it the most embarrassing moment in the Marvel universe. What’s even more embarrassing is the fact that the song actually makes you want to hit the nearest club and totally go “cray cray” to the infectious dance-pop beat. Just don’t let Jessica see us.
“Smelly Cat,” Phoebe Buffay (Friends)
Don’t let the ‘90s kids fool you: it’s not Nirvana that perfectly captured the spirit of pre-Millennium angst but rather this ode to being an outcast courtesy of TV’s most beloved singer-songwriter/masseuse. Two decades later, this groovy number still smells like a hit to us. (But 23-year-old spoiler: this is not actually Lisa Kudrow’s voice in the attached music video.)
“Naughty Girl,” Mr G (Summer Heights High)
2019 saw Australian comedy royalty Chris Lilley return with a new set of colorful characters in Netflix mockumentary series Lunatics, but his loyal fanbase will be disappointed to learn that iconic Mr G will most likely not be making an appearance.
Mr G is a drama teacher who decided to direct a fun high school musical about the death of a student in 2007’s Summer Heights High series. Unlike many other songs on this list, the ‘80s-tinged synth-pop lead track of this highly questionable and absolutely hysterical production, “Naughty Girl,” became an actual hit. It was released in Australia with an accompanying music video and went No. 1 on the local charts. We dare you not to sing along to the “She’s a party girl with a bad habit, bad habit for drugs” line.
“Peeno Noir,” Titus Andromedon (The Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt)
Over the course of four years, Titus Andromedon (Tituss Burgess) has given us tons of one-liners, GIF-worthy facial expressions and brave fashion choices. But nothing has come close to his self-proclaimed “ode to black penis,” called “Peeno Noir.” “You don’t have to be popular, find out who your true friends are” is a message we can all relate to, no matter what color your… Nevermind.
“Let’s Go To the Mall,” Robin Sparkles (How I Met Your Mother)
What’s a sitcom without a pop song spoof? It’s sadder than a life without malls! During the ‘80s, How I Met Your Mother character Robin Scherbatsky (Cobie Smulders ) was a Canadian Tiffany-esque teen pop star named Robin Sparkles who performed catchy pop songs about buying colorful clothes. She did get more romantic as time went by, though. (Check out her power ballad “Sandcastles in the Sand.”)