What a weird week with the weather bringing in that bipolar blizzard, then today its was mostly on the sunny side in the upper 60’s? I’m getting whiplash, Amarillo.

But besides the weather, it was a weird week for me, emotionally.

What is it? Cabin fever?

I felt lonely, even though my husband was home. I felt tired. Restless. BLAH. I could go on! But more than this - I let myself feel something I probably would rather admit I didn’t.
I felt like: I don’t want to do this. I don’t want to be here. I don’t want to not work. I don’t want to change one more crappy diaper. Hear one more shrilling cry. Wake up one more morning tired as hell. And I know it’s terrible... I feel guilty... I feel horrible...like some people don’t even get to experience these things, and I more than asked for this: yes, yes & yes. But another part of me is like, “Give me a break.” If I could just literally have a 24 hour mental break... I would feel better, right? Go back to work?

Doesn’t anybody else think these things? After all, it’s just a normal part of life to question ourselves, but I felt so guilty.

But, for the moment there’s a reason we’re here, a reason I am not working and staying at home, a reason we brought this perfect little girl into the world and yes, a (fundamental) reason for changing those crappy diapers. Yeah, I’ll be the first to admit it totally sucks getting up in the middle of the night... for anything, much less a screaming infant. It totally sucks to even hear her cry. And its overwhelming at times. That achy, fuzzy sleep-drunk feeling like you were bulldozed in your bed? Ugh! I couldn’t sit here and boast its all peachy keen. Its not. Its hard work. Its fighting tooth and nail to keep your sanity some days, especially if they’re sick (the worst!). But there’s something so awesome about this life. It’s so damn tiring, but at the same time so indescribably rewarding. It can bring you to your lowest but lift you up to your highest high. It grounds and humbles you (think: cleaning up poop smeared on crib sheets). And every single day it just gets a tiny bit better.

It wasn’t  a hard transition from work to home in Nashville because of my friends and familiarity with our routine. I practically ran outta work. But it’s been another monster moving and being on our own. I can’t say I wish I was working? But, I admit, I miss the interaction. It’s easier to meet people/make friends if you’re working, obviously, too. I wonder what stay-at-home-moms who returned or went to work feel like now. I dreaded going to work when she was at home. I was sobbing like a lunatic in the car on the way to work. So, I absolutely adore my time with her and wouldn’t trade it in for one ounce of dough, but there has to be a happy medium. What is it, moms?!

And just as the snow melted, I look at her and those feelings of “despair” disappear. So, I let myself be human and feel tired. But don’t get me wrong, I am so grateful. And I’ve got too much to worry about besides doubting myself... like planning a first birthday.

Photo Courtesy of Caroline
Photo Courtesy of Caroline