News came out this week that Gov. Abbott made a big decision to put the kibosh on people using TikTok on devices that are also used for State business. Yes, that means personal devices too. Who had Texans buying TikTok burners on their 2023 bingo card? Anyone?

So what things will Texans be missing the most from the TikTok ban? I thought of five.

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Thirst Traps

Obviously. Everyone has a TikTok crush. It's just part of it. There's someone out there who's content hits you...just right. It makes you smile. Maybe it makes you feel young again. Whatever it does, there's a lot of it on TikTok. Just not for people who have devices they conduct State business on.

The question now do state employees decide on which OnlyFans, sorry..."spicy accountant" account to follow?

I would put an example here, but this is Texas. Jesus is watching.


Where will these unfortunate Texans go to find ladies with horribly long fake nails scratching the head of a microphone with the volume cranked to eleven? Where will you go to listen to someone breathe to soft ambient music?

Oh yeah, and all of that whispering. Where will they get all that whispering, now?

I would love to speak to anyone who finds this stuff relaxing. It just makes me feel really...uncomfortable. It's just kind of creepy to me.

Whatever In The Hell This Is

There's a lot of weird stuff on TikTok. Strangest I've seen (and I'm going on 5 months TikTok sober so who knows where we're at now) is the crystal scoops and the pearl parties.

I don't know why, but these channels can get pretty popular. Sometimes, when I was feeling low, I'd watch a pearl party and drink a six-pack. Don't know why, but it seemed to cheer me up.

Sure, it might have cheered me up in a "Hey at least your life isn't at that point yet" kind of way, but it still cheered me up; and I have to thank those creators for giving me the drive to get up and go to work the next morning.

The Freakin' Memes, My Guy

Ah, yes. The dumb crap your best friend sends you all day while you're both supposed to be working. The "memes." The funny vids. The thirty second giggle fit inducing chuckle factories.

Then again, maybe not. Most of them aren't really that funny. Thinking back to the time before I myself was TikTok sober, I think that my laughter was more of a cry for help. Now, none of it seems all that funny.

This Guy

The thing that makes me the most sad for those who are in Texas that will no longer be able to access TikTok on those devices that are used to conduct State business; is that they're going to be missing out on this guy. This...mythic monster. This primate lord of backwoods folklore.

Of course, I mean Saxsquatch.

Sad days for our friends who conduct State business. Now, they can't use TikTok at all on any device that is used to conduct State business. They have so much to miss out on, some would say.

Me? Well, I'm TikTok sober. Welcome back to reading books. You'll get used to it. Trust me.

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