How To Be Irish

St. Patrick's Day is coming this weekend, and it's time for everyone in our country, to be Irish. I'm Irish, I mean, look at me. Red hair, translucent skin, green eyes, and I like U2. If you're not Irish, and you want to be, for a day, I'm here to help.

Irish feel guilty all of the time, about something. Couple it with some Catholic guilt, and you've got Jewish guilt beat all to pieces. We apologize for everything like "Sorry the Steelers didn't win" ," or "Sorry, I didn't close your door." Nothing, is to big or small for Irish guilt."

Wear sunscreen everyday. It doesn't matter if it's 114 or -14, outside. Irish people burn. I use that SPF 80, walk on the sun stuff. It still doesn't help. Wear long sleeves in the summer, and look like Dracula couldn't get a quick snack, from you. Our skin isn't white or really pink. It's more...see-through.

Learn to argue as the Irish love to argue. About anything. "How about that wind yesterday and don't even get me started on Cole Beasley." It doesn't matter what you argue about, just argue.

Irish time, is different from your time. There is Texas time, musician time, and Irish time. "I'll be there in five minutes" really means "I'll be there in an hour." It just makes people angry when you tell them, when you'll really be there.

You might be tempted to get liquored up and start a fight, but please don't. I know that's the Irish myth, but we really don't want to fight. It cuts into our arguing time. Don't ask to see our kilts, because that's the Scots.

Finally, the Irish temper is NOT a myth. My grandma, was the sweetest woman in the world, but she put a mad on,in a split second. Leave a beer can in her yard, and she's at DEFCON1, in milliseconds.

Having been put upon for centuries, the Irish developed quite the temper. You would too, if someone kept trying to kick half of you, out of the house. The good news, is transgressions are soon forgotten. The Irish temper blows and gos, usually within the same 5 minutes.

Enjoy being Irish for a day. Be safe, try the corn beef, and let the "Yanks" drink the green beer. Have a Guinness.