My Application to Be a Professional Hot Dog Tester
I get a lot of emails. Too many. I often delete chunks of emails without reading more than the subject line. The deleted chunks are filled with PR firms claiming "GREAT INTERVIEW IDEA" or "INCREDIBLE TOPIC TO DISCUSS." There are a few diamonds in the rough, but it's mostly just fodder.
Every once in a while, though, an email comes into my inbox that stops me in my tracks. That happened this morning when this particular sentence of words graced my screen: "DREAM job - Company seeks ‘Professional Hotdog Tester’ for Spring Job."
I already consider what I do to be a dream job, but when I read that testing hotdogs professionally was an occupation, my entire world started to unravel.
Here I am in a muggy studio, and somebody is out there getting paid to test hot dogs? What does that even mean?
I needed to know more. I read on:
"With the Major League Baseball season starting up again, BonusFinder are looking for baseball and hotdog superfans to become their official MLB Professional Food Tester. The successful applicant will determine the BEST hotdogs to eat whilst watching and celebrating the new MLB season and what’s even better, you get PAID to do so. That’s right, you could be paid $500 with all expenses paid for to watch baseball AND eat some quality hotdogs!"
I would link to the website, but A) I don't want you stealing my dream job, and B) it was sketchy as hell and I'm not sure it's a real thing. If it is real, I want the job. If it's not real, I'll have to eat hot dogs for the rest of my life because I'm in financial ruin after having my identity stolen because I was enticed to give out my personal information to a random website in hopes of becoming a professional hotdog tester.
Risk vs. return. Cruel irony. Worth it.
The application was simple enough: Name, email address, name of first pet, birthday, mother's maiden name, Social Security number -- you know, the usual stuff. After the formalities, the real joy began.
Some highlights from the survey:
Q: Hot dog appearance and color?
A: The appearance of the hot dog was like a deep chestnut log of assorted meats married as one nestled into a loving embrace of its adopted mother, a bountiful bannock glistening with the grease of its brethren and awaiting its end.
Q: Quality of the bun and bread flavor?
A: The bread flavor was yeasty yet refined. Its artisan attributes aligned on my palate like only stale white bread can. The steam from the dog itself married the bread to the meat which made it difficult to discern one from another.
Q: Hot dog flavor complexity and quality of meat?
A: The Nolan Ryan All-Beef hot dog is as complex as the man himself. The quality of the beef is rivaled only by its namesakes' fastball.
Q: Sauce and topping generosity?
A: The hot dog was sauced generously, yet with a delicate and gentle touch. I watched through the steamy glass as Rosalind took great care of the hot dog layering on mustard, chili, and cheese to my specifications. She used tweezers to place jalapenos the mathematically perfect distance a part for my mouth. It's as if she sized me up and calculated it all while scooping 68 finely diced pieces of sweet golden onion over the top. Rosalind, or Ros as I call her, was nearly as amazing as the hot dog.
I hope I get the job.