Gain A Ton Of Weight Quickly Without Trying (Wink, Wink)
I could probably count on one hand the number of humans I've ever met who are TRYING to gain weight. Yes, they exist. They are usually male, but not always. And it's more about gaining muscle or gaining weight healthfully.
Disclaimer: This is NOT for those people. This is friendly sarcasm for the rest of us.
So often we are focused on how to LOSE weight. We know the rules and/or recommendations. We may abide by them. We may not. I've found reverse psychology to be helpful when it comes to dealing with the subconsciously rebellious human (me, too) and so, perhaps turning the tables on our psyche may be helpful. Maybe not, but hey...what have we got to lose? (wink, wink again)
And now, how to gain a bunch of weight without even trying very hard:
Eat when you're not hungry. It all begins here. Override your body's signals and and fall right into the pleasure trap of salt, sugar, and fat.
Make those calories count. In other words, do your best to avoid any whole grains, lean meats, or vegetables. You can eat fruit but only if it's in juice form or covered in sugar. Bonus points for heavy creams poured on top. You got this.
Ditch the water and drink only sugar-filled bevs instead. Drinking sugary beverages, "fruit juices" (look for high-fructose corn syrup in the list of ingredients) and lots of alcohol is one of the quickest ways to pack on the pounds.
Remain as still and sedentary as humanly possible. In fact, let's pretend we're beached whales, stuck and unable to move around. The less physical activity, the better. Don't even go for take-out. Order in and do your best to barely walk to get that bag. Sit down ASAP and chow down.
Extra credit? Look for ways to add calories whenever possible. That greasy junk food needs a little extra cheese, doesn't it? I mean, extra gravy is good on everything isn't it? In fact, just add an extra spoonful of butter as a general rule. Bonus points for removing any veggie that accidentally fell into whatever it is we're eating.
OK, all joking aside. After the last year of quarantine eating and now struggling to get back on a better nutritional path, I'm reacquainting myself with healthy eating habits. And they are habits. Once we start practicing less-than-healthy ones, it's easy to fall into a rut. And since getting back on track can be a struggle at first, I find that humor and laughing at myself a bit can be both entertaining--and clarifying.
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